The Insane Acts of the Maddeningly Lunatic Nature
by UpToNoGood12
Summary: When Jack decides to document the insanity of his crew, it reveals that Jack isn't the only one who may need a psychiatrist! Enjoy the insanity! Set during Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest.
1. The Insanity Begins

**Before we start, I wanted to say that this is a joint effort between myself, and Smilindolfin! We were inspired by a fanfic written by .But Friends Make Secrets who wrote The Symptoms of Insanity! This story is based on our own list of insane things which we have done, or have seen done by friends and family! Please enjoy!**

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><p>The Caribbean sunlight shone down upon the ocean where a lone ship sailed across the great expanse of water. This was a most unusual ship as ships go. Instead of the usual white cotton sails, it had black ones, tattered, but still serviceable. The ship itself was also painted black, but seeing as the name of the vessel was The Black Pearl, it didn't seem so unusual after all. It was, perhaps, the crew of said ship that made it the most uncommon. They were a mismatched bunch of men, and even the occasional woman.<p>

First, there was the captain, Jack Sparrow, a rum obsessed pirate with dreadlocks, and a deep tan, who also possessed a "broken" compass which he used most often. There was also his first mate, a superstitious man who used to serve in the Royal Navy named Mr. Gibbs; a blacksmith, formerly of Port Royal, come to save his "true love", named Will Turner (commonly nicknamed "The Whelp"); and a man named Mr. Cotton who couldn't talk, so he had a parrot to do it for him. There were also two troublesome fellows named Ragetti and Pintel, each never seen without the other and always up to some sort of mischief. There were two women aboard, which Mr. Gibbs frequently pointed out was terrible bad luck. There was the governor's daughter, Elizabeth Swann, the "true love" of aforementioned Will Turner, and Anna-Maria, an old acquaintance of Jack's. Finally, and perhaps most unusually, there was a former commodore of the royal navy, James Norrington, who was at this very moment engaged in a sparring match with Mr. Turner.

The two men whirled in a dance across the upper deck of The Pearl. They seemed evenly matched in skill, though Norrington had the advantage of height. Unfortunately, Norrington also had the disadvantage of a very old sword. It was the first one he had acquired since joining Sparrow's crew, and he just didn't have the heart to replace it, though he had been told many times to do so. There were cracks along the blade, the hilt was ragged, and the metal bent. The balance was off to everyone but Norrington, as he had gotten used to the dilapidated state of his blade.

"James you really should replace that sword, mate," commented Jack as he watched the two men duel.

"Mind your own business, Sparrow." Norrington spat irritably as he whirled to block an attack from his opponent.

"Ah, there should be a Captain in there somewhere, mate. Besides I'm just tryin' to be friendly-like towards your stuffy former commodorely self," Jack said in a huff before ambling off toward the bow of the ship. Norrington, riled by the captain's jibes, attacked with more force, and was utterly shocked when he struck Turner's blade, his own snapped cleanly in half.

"What-" he said stepping back in shock. "My sword!" James said miserably.

"Told ya…" came Jack's voice as he ambled by once more, poking the former commodore on his way. Norrington spared a scathing glare for the pirate before returning to his dejected inspection of his broken weapon.

Norrington hefted the blade with a determined expression on his face. "Well, come on, Turner! I don't believe we were finished just yet!" he said with as much confidence as he could.

"Uh, shouldn't we wait until you have a new swor-" Will started before Norrington interrupted him.

"I don't' NEED a new sword! This one still works just fine!"

Jack walked over to James and snatched the broken weapon from his hand and waved it in his face. "This ain't even half a sword, mate! You can't fight with half a sword!"

James snatched it back with a withering glance. "I can, and I will. Just watch!" he said arrogantly, determined to prove the pirate wrong. At Norrington's adamant insistence, the two returned to their duel, and within a minute Norrington was disarmed and his sword, upon it's impact with the deck, shattered into even smaller pieces.

Norrington looked crestfallen as he picked up the hilt with a small piece of the blade still attached. "Well, I suppose it would be a serviceable dagger…" he said with a woeful sigh. Will shook his head in disbelief, while jack walked right up to James and poked him again.

You're bloody insane, mate," he said smirking. "I knew you weren't all perfectly commodorial!"

"I assure you, _Captain_ Sparrow, I am perfectly sane. Unlike some people on this ship." Jack pouted for a moment before running below decks and disappearing into his cabin. He returned shortly brandishing a piece of rather filthy parchment that read

"**The List of Potentially or Rather Actually Insane Acts of the Maddeningly Lunatic Nature: **

**Refusing to replace your sword even though it is beyond hope.**

"There!" exclaimed the eccentric captain. "It's official! Anything and everything insane should and shall be on this list!" he said as he took a piece of Norrington's broken sword and used it to pin the parchment to the door if his cabin. Norrington put his face in his hands and turned away from Jack, lest he give in to his strong urge to strangle him.


	2. Why are you staring at me?

"Why are you staring at me?" asked the increasingly irate voice of James Norrington, who had, until just recently, been happily eating his dinner. He had been rudely interrupted, in his opinion, by a seemingly sober Captain Jack Sparrow, who was currently sitting directly across from the former commodore holding a soon to be empty bottle of rum and staring at him.

Instead of answering the question, Jack continued to stare unblinkingly with his kohl rimmed eyes. The effect was particularly unnerving to any subject, but more so to Norrington since he and Jack were not on the best of terms.

"Sparrow, WHY are you staring at me?" James repeated with increasing ire, once again receiving no reply. "SPARROW!" James roared, completely abandoning his meal.

Elizabeth, drawn by the former commodore's shouting moved over to sit by James and laid a hand on his arm in a placating manner. "Jack, what have you done this time?" she asked exasperatedly. Jack continued staring at Norrington as though he hadn't heard Elizabeth.

James pointed angrily. "That! He's been staring at me like that for the past 20 minutes while I'm TRYING to enjoy my dinner!" he glared at the offending captain in an accusatory manner.

"Well, then just move to a different seat!" Elizabeth suggested irritably. James huffed as he stood and took his half-finished meal to another table near the back of the galley where he hoped to remain undisturbed. It wasn't until after he had finally finished his roll he had noticed Sparrow staring at him from across the room. As he watched, the captain stood and swaggered over to HIS table and sat down, kicking his feet up onto the table top and upsetting James' drink.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT SPARROW!" James yelled furiously as he retrieved his now empty cup from the floor. Jack leaned forward in his seat and stared pointedly at Norrington and opened his mouth slightly as though he were about to speak.

"Well, I was conductingly effecting a rather intriguingly interesting sort of observatory surveillance on your commodorial, or rather recently non-comodorial, customary eating practices and/or habits, as it were."

Now it was James' turn to stare as he tried to work out the surprisingly complex statement made by the eccentric captain. "You were studying my eating habits?" he asked incredulously. "You stared at me for over a half an hour! You didn't blink ONCE! And you say you were 'STUDYING MY EATING HABITS'?"

Jack grinned enthusiastically, seemingly unaffected by Norrington's shouting. "Aye! That'd be the gist of it!" James put his face in his hands. A practice he seemed to be well acquainted with since joining Sparrow's crew.

Finally when he could look at the captain without murdering him, he raised his head and spoke with a determined calm. "Don't you think that's a little EXCESSIVE, Sparrow?"

Jack took a long drink of his rum and smiled again. "Nope!"

" You must have better things to do than stare me down! You are a CAPTAIN as you are so fond of reminding us!" James growled, quickly losing his calm façade.

Jack looked thoughtful for a moment, something James though looked particularly hard for him, before grinning again. "Nope!" he repeated.

"And you thought I was insane…" James mumbled, almost to himself. Suddenly his expression turned thoughtful before he smirked to himself. "If you will excuse me, _Captain, _I have something I need to attend to…" James stood, giving a mock salute to Jack before he left.

About an hour later, when Jack returned to his cabin he found a new item added to the list pinned to his door. The fresh black ink read:

**2. Excessive staring.**

Jack smiled to himself. Maybe James could be part of the crew after all.

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><p>Hey people!<p>

Please review! I love reviews! Thanks to those people who already did!


	3. Bad Day

Elizabeth Swann was having a bad day.

It had started when they had docked at an island earlier that afternoon to pick up supplies. In the bustle as the crew made preparations to go ashore, Elizabeth was knocked over the rail and into the bay.

She resurfaced spluttering; her mouth filled with salt water and swam to the side of the ship. When she was pulled out of the water only to find her engagement ring was missing! She walked up to her fiancé, distraught. "Will, my ring! It fell off in the water!" Will couldn't really understand why it meant so much, since he could just get her a new one, but he played along.

The crew quickly dispersed into the longboats, not wanting to get involved if Elizabeth went off into one of her furious rants. Will also managed to escape from his fiancé, leaving an irritable Elizabeth on the ship…alone with the few crew members who stayed behind. Among those were Ragetti and Pintel who were always up to some sort of mischief.

Upon seeing the solitary and already upset Elizabeth, they couldn't pass up a chance for a little fun. "'Ello, Poppet!" Pintel said, leering at her in a way that was supposed to be frightening but was more amusing than anything to those who were used to it.

Ragetti walked up behind her, attempting to be sneaky, but tripped over some rope and fell down instead. The rum he had been holding at the time flew from his grasp and smashed on the ground, covering Elizabeth's boots in alcohol.

"Ragetti!" Elizabeth exclaimed.

Pintel glared at his one-eyed counterpart. "You IDIOT! You were supposta' give it to her not SPILL it on her!"

Elizabeth turned on Pintel furiously. "You- you-" She spluttered furiously, too angry to complete the sentence. She turned on her heel and stormed off to the side of the ship and stared out over the ocean.

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew, finished gathering their supplies, were looking for a good place for a meal and more importantly RUM! Both Will and Norrington were uneasy about most of the establishments in the small town. They were all filled with rather unsavory customers, and even worse employees. Finally, at Mr. Gibbs insistence, they walked into one of the dirtiest bars of the lot.

"This place has got the best rum in the Caribbean!" Gibbs said as they chose a group of tables near the back of the establishment.

Norrington gave the man a withering glance. "What about the FOOD?" he asked irritably. James was more interested in a good, fresh meal than drinking the 'Best rum in the Caribbean'.

"I wouldn't eat too much if I were you Former Commodore…" Jack said as he put his feet up on the table and grinned at James.

"You mean to say, we've come to the restaurant for their rum and ONLY their rum? I thought we were getting a MEAL, Sparrow!"

Jack motioned for a barmaid to bring them a round of drinks. "Well, Norrington, I think we all know that a good bottle of rum is better than dinner any day!" he said tilting his chair back on two legs and staring at James pointedly. "Even you. Aye?"

Norrington groaned in frustration and resigned himself to the fact he wouldn't be getting any dinner. "Why are pirates so INSANE?"

Finally, when the crew was properly inebriated, they all returned to the ship. There, they were met with an odd sight. Some believed it to be a product of their alcohol consumption. But, Will and Norrington, who had only consumed a small amount of rum, and Jack, who despite his constant indulgence in the alcoholic beverage never seemed to get drunk, were all perfectly aware that they were not hallucinating.

Elizabeth, who had been growing steadily more irritated as her time aboard the ship wore on, was now shouting at the hatch leading down into the hold.

"-you stupid piece of WOOD! I SAID MOVE! " she yelled as she pulled at the handle, apparently trying, without success, to open it.

Will and Jack walked up to her cautiously. "Er, Luv, what are you tryin' ta accomplish by shoutin' at this here unmovingly, stagnate object?" Jack inquired with a smirk firmly attached to his face.

Elizabeth turned to him, her face bright red. "Mind your own business Jack!" she yelled at the pirate.

"Elizabeth, you look tired, maybe you should get some rest?" suggested Will urgently, as he took is fiancé by the arm and led her below deck.

After settling Elizabeth in her cabin, Will headed back to the top deck. On his way, he passed Jack cabin, and he paused to read the now slightly longer list. It appeared Norrington had added:

**3.**** Going to a restaurant for their rum and only their rum.**

After a moment's hesitation, Will picked up the quill that lay on the small wooden table Jack had placed outside his room and added:

**4.****Yelling at inanimate objects.**

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><p><strong>Reviews Please!<br>**


	4. Of Squid and Spoons

Davy Jones absolutely and utterly HATED Jack Sparrow. That incomprehensible menace had led the ridiculously short East India Trading Company man straight to the heart. Lord Beckett…another man on Davy's list of people he hates with a great passion.

He stirred his tea with disgust. It was one of Lord Beckett's ideas to make him more civilized. Apparently, drinking tea makes one more civilized. Jones figured, since he was half fish it REALLY didn't matter how much tea he drank. He was not going to be civilized. EVER.

Suddenly, one of his men ran into his cabin looking as though he had something important to say. Something he apparently forgot at the sight of his captain drinking…tea.

"Captain, I would like to report-…what…is THAT?" Maccus asked in horror, his hammerhead shark –like head recoiling back in shock.

Jones glared menacingly, his tentacles twitching sporadically, suggesting that this would not be a good time to irritate him further. "Your report, Mister Maccus?" he growled.

Marccus seemed to snap out of his state of shock and stood at attention. "We've come up on the Pearl, Sir." He said grinning. Which, was rather frightening since he was part shark.

Davy smiled. His day was about to get a LOT better. He walked up onto the deck, relishing the expression of shock that he would be greeted with upon catching Sparrow's ship, unaware he still held the spoon he used to stir his tea.

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><p>Captain Jack Sparrow had an extreme aversion to having the ability to like squid faced monstrosities who chase you across the ocean trying to kill you. In other words, Jack Sparrow hated Davy Jones.<p>

Jack was currently standing on the quarterdeck, holding his Jar of Dirt, contemplating several possible escapes should Davy Jones catch him (none of which were likely to work), and then thinking of ways to irritate Norrington to cheer himself up.

Suddenly bored of standing in one place, Jack descended the stairs to find James and test one of his newly concocted plans on him. Mister Cotton's Parrot squawked "Land ho!" as Jack passed with his Jar of Dirt, causing him to hug it more tightly.

"My Jar of Dirt!" he muttered as he searched for his victim.

Just as he had finally located Norrington and had ambled over to him with his 'I'm entirely innocent' expression, there was an enormous splash and the Flying Dutchman exploded out of the water.

Norrington and Jack looked on in shock. The latter of which made a small whimpering noise and quickly hid behind the former commodore, still hugging his Jar of Dirt in a death grip. "Not good…"

"For once Sparrow, I believe I agree with you…" Norrington replied while watching the enemy ship warily.

Jack peered over Norrington's shoulder, making James wrinkle his nose in disgust, looking for Davy Jones. When suddenly his own shoulder was unceremoniously invaded by a...tentacle. Jack didn't pause for thought. He just screamed, right in the former commodore's ear.

"SPARROW! WAS THAT REALLY NECESSARY?" James shouted as he turned around, pausing in slight shock as he saw Davy Jones standing behind Jack…holding a spoon.

"Jack Sparrow, you have a debt to settle," the squid faced captain said. "One hundred years of service before the mast."

Jack turned around holding out his Jar of Dirt as though it would ward off the slimy invader of his ship. "Shoo…" he said sounding more like a five year old child than a 'Fearsome Pirate Captain'.

"Sparrow!" Jones began before Jack cut him off.

"CAPTAIN! It's CAPTIAN Sparrow! WHY does no one GET THAT?"

Jones makes an incomprehensible sound of irritation and raised his hand. "CAPTAIN SPARR-" he is once again cut off as Jack yelled in fright pointing at the raised hand. Jones looked down at the spoon still clutched in his hand, and back up at Jack…only to find him gone. Running across the deck of his ship and up the mast screaming at the top of his voice.

James shook his head. "Pride of the Pirate Lords you are…" He turned to Jones. "Are you SURE you want HIM to be on your ship for one hundred years? It might be better just to kill him," he said not looking terribly sorry about this.

Jones was about to reply when he saw a smoke signal on the horizon. Bloody Beckett was 'summoning ' him again. The Captain of the Dutchman stomped over to the mast where Jack was taking refuge. "This is not over Sparrow!" he shouted before disappearing back to his own ship.

Davy Jones decided he hated Cutler Beckett far more than Jack Sparrow. And for some reason that day every single teacup went missing. Though he kept the spoons…just in case.

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><p>It took nearly an hour for the crew to coax Jack down from the mast, James Norrington pointedly absent from this effort. But, when Jack finally returned to his cabin that night, to his great irritation there was a new addition to the list.<p>

**5. Flee screaming from a person only armed with a spoon.**

"Bloody Norrington."

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><p>This one is for OgichiRocks for requesting a chapter with Davy Jones! Hope you liked it!<p>

And my co-author and I do realize that we are not following the actual story too well... but this is fanfiction!

Reviews make our hearts smile! So please review!

(Yes. I know that I am a BIT weird)


	5. Dirty Dancing

The crew of the black pearl turned at the sound of footsteps on the stairs, soon revealing the extremely startled and mildly horrified James Norrington. He slowly made his way to an empty seat with a glazed expression, suggesting he was in a state of shock.

"James, what's wrong?" Elizabeth asked from her position across from him.

James blinked a few time and shook his head as though hoping some of his memories would fall out so he would no longer have to remember them.

"James?" Elizabeth prompted again, looking mildly concerned for the former commodore.

He blinked again before finally responding in a soft and disturbed sounding voice. "Sparrow-" he began, but was forced to stop as the crew groaned collectively, making it impossible to hear anything else. After the crew fell silent once more he continued. "Sparrow…was-is…d-dancing…" he groaned. "I'm NEVER going to get that image out of my mind…" He rubbed his temples tiredly.

Elizabeth patted his arm gently, hoping to console him and handed him a cup of rum, which was soon dropped in alarm when a panicked shout sounded from the upper deck.

"ALL HANDS ON DECK!" Jack shouted furiously down the hatch.

The crew, suspecting the ship was under attack or something similar, jumped out of their seats in alarm and rushed to the top deck. The men lined up in front of their distraught captain as they awaited orders. Even Norrington was present.

Jack was standing, staring at the deck, looking utterly depressed. There, at his feet, was a large pile of dirt and a few shards of broken glass.

Gibbs stepped forward when it became obvious Jack had no intention of giving orders and asked softly. "Jack…there'd be a reason you called the crew up on deck?"

Jack glance up at Gibbs before pointing at the pile of dirt, his wide brown eyes resembling those of a child, and mumbled, "Jar of Dirt…"

Norrington stepped toward the peculiar captain with his arms folded across his chest. Apparently he hadn't quite gotten over the dancing. "Oh, _please!_ It's DIRT for goodness sake! Just find another jar and scoop it all up, and you're fine!" he snapped.

Jack glared at him childishly and sat down in front of the pile of dirt, blocking it from view. "NO!" he turned to Gibbs regaining some semblance of his usual manner. "Mister Gibbs, set a course to sail upriver!"

Gibbs fidgeted uncomfortably, unwilling to defy his captain. But, none too pleased about their current destination. "Must we go back so soon, Capt'n?" He asked hesitantly, instantly regretting it as Jack fixed him with a burning glare. Gibbs, taking that as his cue, began shouting orders as Mister Cotton changed the course.

As Gibbs passed Norrington he said with a resigned look, "Step to, former commodore. You'll want yer wits about ye when we reach our destination. Tis frightful bad luck to be consortin' with a voodoo woman."

James cast a questioning glance at Jack, "What is the purpose of this voyage, exactly?"

Gibbs patted James' shoulder with a sigh. "T'would seem Capt'n Jack was rather fond of his dirt…"

"Wait…you're telling me, he's sending us off course, with perhaps a week's setback, for a bloody JAR OF DIRT?" Norrington shouted incredulously.

"Aye." The superstitious sailor replied before returning below, presumably to find some rum.

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><p>"Witty Jack, what brings ya to my island dis time?" The heavily accented voice of Tia Dalma greeted the crew as they stepped out of the longboat.<p>

Jack held up the broken shards of glass. "I'm in need of a new Jar of Dirt…as it were," he said with a grin, ignoring James as he rolled his eyes and snorted.

Tia Dalma raised an eyebrow and gave a smile reminiscent of the Cheshire cat. "And tell me, Jack Sparrow, how did ya dispose of da first one?"

"Due to circumstances beyond my control, namely the sea or movements of said body of the liquid-like state, my Jar of Dirt fell." Jack offered with a glittering smile.

James snorted again. "Circumstances beyond your control? You were DANCING WITH IT!" he interjected before shuddering as he recalled the incident.

Tia Dalma looked at Jack amused. "You are lucky, Jack Sparrow, I 'ave something dat will 'elp, but you know I demand payment." She continued looking at them expectantly.

Jack looked around as though hoping he would find something worth trading around the room. Suddenly his eyes fell on James. He quickly grabbed Norrington's arm and pulled him to the front of the group, presenting him to Tia. "How about him?"

"A commodore?" she asked intrigued.

"FORMER Commodore, as it were." Jack replied, eliciting a glare from James as he yanked his arm out of the pirate's grasp.

"SPARROW!" James roared furiously. "I will NOT be a bargaining chip for you bloody jar of sand!"

"Dirt. It is a Jar of DIRT, mate," Jack said, tapping Norrington on the chest with a bejeweled finger.

"You must supply payment, or I cannot 'elp you," the voodoo woman reminded them.

Jack moved close to Tia Dalma and gave her a conspirational look. "Seein' as I have returned the previous Jar of Dirt, it would only be fair if you was ta return the undead monkey. Then seein' as I know you like the undead monkey, I can be givin' it BACK to you in exchange for me NEW Jar of Dirt. Aye?"

"You know them fancy words don't' work on me, Jack, but I am willing ta agree your terms, but you must supply someting else…someting small." Tia responded with a knowing look.

Norrington huffed irritably as they bantered back and forth and pulled out his dagger nee sword and turned it over in his hands, hoping to alleviate his boredom.

Suddenly, his dagger was wrenched from his hands, leaving a small cut on the palm of his hand. "That will work! Thanks, mate!" Jack said happily as he handed the broken weapon to Tia Dalma. "Do we have an accord, then?"

James could do nothing more than splutter indignantly before he was pushed out the door by Jack who now carried a brand new Jar of Dirt.

"That went well!" Jack exclaimed happily, clapping James on the back. "Thanks for the contribution, mate. Always knew you were one of us!"

Norrington fixed him with a murderous glare. "I did not 'contribute' so much as 'have my dagger stolen out of my hands'. So now, because of you, we are a week behind schedule, and I have to replace my weapon!"

Jack gave him an innocent look. "My fault? How is it my fault? We're here because of my Jar of Dirt!"

"No. We are here because you were dancing like a madman and dropped your jar of dirt!" James exclaimed, closing his eyes as he once again had to block out the memory.

"Nuances…" Jack replied wiggling his fingers in James' face, causing the former commodore to lean back in disgust.

"Indeed." James snapped and proceeded to ignore the captain for the rest of the day.

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><p>Later that evening a new addition appeared on the list pinned to Jack's door.<p>

**6.****Dancing.**

The handwriting seemed a bit broken, due to the frequent and unsettling flashbacks plaguing the writer.

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><p>Hey everyone! Sorry about the wait…. Smilindolfin and I keep getting distracted…. But we won't abandon the story! Promise!<p>

And this chapter is the longest yet! *super excitement*

Anyways, this chapter is dedicated to: ihaznoideawuttowrite who requested dancing with the Jar of Dirt, and MiscPurpleEccentric94 who requested Tia Dalma.

If anyone one else would like to make requests for things you would like to have put in… please do and we will try to incorporate them!

Also… Padfoot… that "NO!" was put in just for you. (MWAHAHAHA)


	6. The Rum Catastrophe

The Black Pearl rocked gently as it sailed across the ocean. The midmorning sunshine glinted off the azure waves. The crew, some on deck and some still asleep, filled the ship with a companionable silence. Until…

"THE RUM IS GONE!"

Those of the crew who were still asleep, one of these including an extremely exhausted Norrington, were instantly awake and, in Norrington's case, falling out of their hammocks onto the hard wooden floor due to their alarm.

The piece of the crew that was already awake all gathered around their distraught captain, all sharing his sentiments. Gibbs stepped forward, his face unusually grim. "All of it, Capt'n?"

"AYE! ALL THE RUM IS GONE!" Jack moaned loudly, further arousing any who were foolish enough to attempt to return to bed.

Elizabeth, who had been enjoying a quite morning with her fiancé, huffed irritably at the pirates' antics and added her shrill voice to the collective groaning of the crew. "Well, it's no surprise that the rum is gone, Jack. You've already had FOUR bottles this morning!"

Suddenly a low and thoroughly irritated voice interjected itself into the conversation from the stairway. "You have GOT to be joking. All this fuss for RUM?"

Jack, despite the disaster at hand, grinned widely at Norrington. "Ello, mate!" he said cheerily earning him a withering glare from the former commodore, before he returned to gazing somberly at his crew. "It would seem we need to make port, gents."

"Sparrow!-"

"CAPTAIN Sparrow, mate."

James huffed before beginning again. "CAPTAIN Sparrow, we are already behind schedule due to your stupid Jar of Dirt! Now, you want to make yet another detour for RUM?"

Jack nodded, wearing an uncharacteristically serious expression. "I can't live without me rum, mate…five bottles a day…at least."

Norrington offered him a despairing look that clearly said he thought Jack was the most insane person sailing the seven seas.

James sighed miserably as he listened to Jack barter with the merchant, thoroughly regretting his earlier snide comment concerning Jack's deficit of gold to pay for the rum. He had, as a result, been dragged (almost literally) along, so Jack could demonstrate his 'Negotiative Prowess'. This mainly included confusing the merchant into thinking he'd already been paid, which, predictably, didn't go over too well.

Finally, with a lot of word twisting and skillful distracting of the merchant, Jack paid for three crates of rum. He left with five.

"Jack Sparrow!" a voice rang out across the docks as Jack and his crew loaded the newly acquired rum onto the Black Peal. Though, Jack was more…observing than actually working.

Upon hearing his name, uttered, once again, incorrectly, he immediately turned to correct the speaker. "It's CAPTAIN Jack Spar-"Jack froze at the sight of the person before him. "Oh… bugger." Unfortunately he was not fast enough to dodge the woman's hand before it made contact with his face.

Norrington smirked from the side. "Of all the pirates I've met, I can honestly say I think I'm going to like this one."

Jack glared at him before muttering, "Not sure I deserved that…" earning a glare from the dark skinned woman.

James laughed dryly. "Oh, I'm sure if you think about it, you'll come up with something, Sparrow."

Jack smirked confidently. "Whatever it was, I'm sure a good bottle of rum will solve everything! Right, Annamaria?" His smirk quickly disappeared as Annamaria reached out and slapped him again.

"Now, I might take you up on the offer." She said with a satisfied smile before boarding the Black Pearl.

James stared after her for a moment before smirking at his former enemy. "I'm sure the story behind THAT would be an interesting one…" he drawled before following Annamaria onto the Pearl.

Several hours later the galley of the ship was full of sailors, all enjoying the recently acquired rum. Jack was sitting with his feet kicked up on the table, as per usual, and had a grand total of 7 empty bottles of rum on the table in front of him and one, half empty, cradled lovingly in his lap.

Suddenly Annamaria left the table and came back with ten bottles of rum.

James fixed her with an incredulous stare. "You can't seriously be considering drinking ALL of those!"

Annamaria smirked at him. "Mister Norrington, I know you have a low opinion of pirates, but we aren't all as obsessed with drinking rum as Jack."

James raised an eyebrow. "Then why do you need TEN bottles of rum? Surely you're not fetching them for Sparrow."

The dark skinned woman glared at him "Don't be ridiculous, Commodore." She said seriously. "I just like to pour them out and watch the bubbles!"

Everyone surrounding Annamaria suddenly fell silent in shock. "Luv, you mean to tell me, you are NOT in fact plannin' to partake in the copious amount of rum sittin' on the table there?" Jack asked in utter horror.

"No!" Annamaria replied before pouring out the first bottle into a mug and watching the foam rise to the rim of the cup, with a small smile.

Elizabeth, who was sitting across from her giggled as she too studied the froth as it slowly spilled over the rim of the mug. "Oh! You're right! That does look fun!" She then snatched her own bottle off the table and poured it into an empty glass watching the bubbles intently and laughing.

James stood from the table, giving the whole lot of them an almost scared look. But, since he was a commodore, albeit a former one, 'scared' was not in his vocabulary, so he stuck with 'almost'. "I'm surrounded by lunatics." He groaned as he walked towards the exit.

Later that evening, when Annamaria was returning to her room, she passed Jack's cabin and noticed a curious piece of rather dirty paper pinned to the door with what looked to be a piece of someone's sword.

Annamaria scanned the list and chuckled slightly as she reached the bottom, where in fresh black ink it read:

**Needing or wanting 5+ alcoholic drinks in one day.**

And…

**Pouring a bottle of rum just to watch the bubbles.**

HELLO EVERYONE!  
>This chapter is for Both Artemis and Athena, who suggested an chapter with Annamaria. (see? we're very prompt at answering people's suggestions) (when we do actually get to writing...)<br>Please continue to review! Reviews make our hearts smile! They really do!  
>We'll try to upload as soon as possible...<p>

TA!

EDIT: so there is a few changes… not many but the next chapter will be uploaded as soon as we come up with a title!


	7. Naval Narration

"For the THOUSANDTH TIME will you PLEASE SHUT IT!" roared the particularly irate sounding voice of Lieutenant Andrew Gillette as he and his companion covered their ears, attempting to block out the loud Spanish singing coming from the drunk pirate woman next to them.

Lieutenant Theodore Groves grinned at his friend as the pirate glared and threatened him (for the thousandth time) with her loaded pistol. "Well, Andrew, it COULD be worse you know." He said cheerily earning him a very grouchy look.

"HOW could this POSSIBLY be any worse?"

Theo grinned widely as he threw another piece of wood into their bonfire, which they had started in the hope of being rescued. "It could rain…and then our fire would go out…and then our only distraction would be the singing Spaniard and some soggy wood!"

Gillette folded his arms across his chest and sat back against a tree. "Wonderful. Though, if you'd care to listen, not that I believe that you can ignore that RACKET, but currently our only distraction IS this bloody singing pirate!"

Groves stared at him for a moment. "Andrew Gillette replied in a distinctly unhappy tone." He narrated.

Gillette stared at him like he had grown an extra head. "WHAT on EARTH are you talking about?"

Groves grinned. "He exclaimed in confusion whilst giving Theodore a look that CLEARLY said that he ought to be in an asylum."

Gillette spluttered furiously "WHAT? Theodore! You've finally lost it…I knew you would be first."

"He said exasperatedly as he shook his head in bewilderment." Groves exclaimed almost before Gillette had stopped speaking.

"Alright Theo, what's going on? Is this your most recent attempt to drive me insane? Because it's working. Quite well!"

"He asked irritably, looking ready to strangle his best friend." Theo replied before answering the question. "I'm narrating you! You SAID you needed a distraction…so…I created one! It's working isn't it?"

Gillette smiled at his friend. "He asked excitedly."

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><p>James Norrington stood at the helm of the Black Pearl as he watched the horizon where a column of smoke rose from a distant island. He had noticed the signal about three or four hours ago, and decided to make a quick detour while Jack was sleeping. Not that he WANTED to set them back yet again, but his old Commodore instincts had kicked in, and if someone was in trouble, he didn't want to abandon them.<p>

Finally, in the early afternoon the small island solidified into a smudge rather than a speck on the horizon. Just enough to make it out as the same island where he had rescued Elizabeth. James smirked as he thought of Sparrow, who had no particular fondness for this island, as he WAS marooned there on two separate occasions. James had to admit, the thought was tempting to maroon him, yet again.

James sighed in exasperation as he heard the tell-tale stumbling of the Captain returning to the deck, and the all too familiar: "No no no no! NOT GOOD!" as he set his eyes on the ever growing smudge that was the island.

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><p>"I think she's dead…"<p>

"Theo said while poking the unconscious pirate with his foot." Gillette said with a smile before continuing the conversation. "She's only unconscious, probably because of all the rum she drank!"

"He said with obvious disgust, staring down at the dead pirate." He said with a grin. "No, Andrew, I'm pretty sure she's dead."

"He says in an oddly jolly voice as he irritates his friend greatly and once again pokes the pirate with his foot, who then proves Andrew is right, by twitching." Andrew said triumphantly. "See? I TOLD you- OI! Is that a SHIP!"

"Andrew runs to the edge of the ocean excitedly. He then jumps up and down waving his arms, forgetting about the DEAD pirate. Probably thinking about the food on the ship. And now glaring at me."

"Theodore runs up behind me saying irritating things and is NOT helping me WHATSOEVER!" Andrew quipped at his friend.

"Andrew says angrily as he glares at his best friend for NO APPARENT REASON!"

"THEODORE IS BEING USELESS AS USUAL!"

"ANDREW IS SHOUTING AT ME _AGAIN_!"

"THEODORE IS UPSET BECAUSE HE KNOWS I'M BETTER AT BEING IN CHARGE!"

"ANDREW HAS FORGOTTEN THE TIME WHEN JACK SPARROW TOOK OVER THE _INTERCEPTOR_ ON HIS WATCH AND HE GOT STUCK IN A DINGY!"

"THEODORE IS BEING UNECESSARILY INSULTING!"

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><p>"How did you find us?" Andrew asked his former commanding officer as they sat in the galley.<p>

"Andrew asked James, amazed." Theo whispered to his friend, earning him a confused look from Norrington, who decided his life would be easier not knowing, so he didn't ask.

"Well, first I had to literally lock Jack in his cabin so he wouldn't turn the ship around. But, after that, it was relatively simple. I didn't even need the smoke signal!" he said with an amused smirk.

"Andrew looks ad James in confusion."

Gillette glared at his friend before returning his attention to James. " What do you mean?

"All I had to do was follow the shouting! After that, it was simple to get you and the Spanish woman aboard." James smiled at his two eccentric friends.

"Andrew looks at Theodore angrily…and says…"

"YOU CAN STOP THAT NOW!" Andrew shouted at his fellow lieutenant. James once again, decided not to ask.

"Andrew 's face goes red from anger and he looks rather scary…"

"THEODORE!"

"Andrew is-"

"Theo…are you NARRATING him?" James intervened, curious, but also to stop the untimely demise of one of his friends.

"YES!" they both shouted. Andrew, angrily with a murderous gleam in his eye. Theodore, with GREAT enthusiasm.

"An' you thought pirates were mad, mate!" Jack's voice made them all jump as he appeared behind Norrington, glaring at the former commodore. Apparently he was still displeased about being locked up.

Then, to the trio's surprise, Jack turned and left without another word. Though, his devious expression was a bit worrisome.

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><p><strong>9. Narrating your friends.<strong>

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><p>Hello to all you wonderful readers!<p>

Terribly sorry for the long wait. We are trying to go quickly!

Gillett and Groves have joined the storyline simply because we think they are amazing. This chapter was supposed to be for Angelica (yes, she's the "singing Spaniard" in case you didn't catch that.) due to our friend's request, but it didn't turn out that way. Don't worry though- she's coming up soon.

PLEASE review this! It makes us happier than a bird with a French fry!


	8. Beware of Sleep Deprived Commodores

James Norrington sat in his hammock, glaring irritably at the ceiling, marveling at how little sleep he got aboard this vessel. Especially when the already easily startled captain unexpectedly come face to face with his old Spanish girlfriend. Try as he might he could not block out the loud and constant string of what he assumed to be Spanish expletives issuing from the deck above him.

Slowly James rose to his feet and walked toward the entryway, intent on murdering one or both of them for depriving him of his well-deserved sleep.

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><p>Jack Sparrow had made a decision. A very well thought out decision, seeing as he was backed against the mast by a raging Spanish female who seemed more determined than 'ol Norrington to see him dead. This conclusion was made due to the previous conversation…<p>

* * *

><p>"Angelica, love, it's really no worth getting' all upset about!" Jack said as he help up his hands in a placating manner.<p>

Angelica fixed him with a burning glare, utterly furious that her pistol had been taken from her, forcing her to resort to using the surprisingly useful piece of rope. "Jack, you betrayed me…you are the most-"

"Oh SHUT UP!" Came the very loud, and VERY irritated voice of the former commodore, as he ascended the last few steps to the deck. "You've been at it for over an HOUR! Just kill him and get it over with so I can go back to sleep!"

Jack looked up at him with exaggerated sadness. "You're just gonna let her kill 'ol Jack? After all I've done for ya?"

James gave a short humorless laugh. "All you DONE for me? Let's go through the list shall we? You've attacked my would be fiancé, stolen my best ship, _destroyed_ my best ship, gave me false information on the pirates at the Isla De Muerta that nearly cost the lives of my crew, made a fool of me as you escaped your hanging for a SECOND time, led me on a wild goose chase across the seven seas, through a hurricane, I might add, that DID cost the lives of my crew…shall I go on?"

Jack shot him an incredulous look. "But, you're a PIRATE now, mate!" he said cheerfully, as though this should be considered the highest of honors.

"Will you PLEASE kill him now?" he snapped at Angelica, his tolerance for the Captain dropping severely.

"Mind your own business, Commodoro." She sneered, though, using considerably cleaner language than before.

"It's a pleasure to see you as well, Angelica." He huffed, rolling his eyes at her childish behavior.

Jack looked between the two, who were now glaring at each other, completely ignoring their earlier subject. Deciding he definitely did NOT like being ignored, Jack left his place by the mast, and amble up between the two. "So, lemme get this straight. You…" he paused, tapping Norrington on the chest with a bejeweled finger. "And YOU…" he, merely pointed at Angelica, having learned from past experience that tapping a woman on the chest would get you slapped. "Know each other?"

* * *

><p>*flashback!*<p>

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><p>Commodore James Norrington glared down at his prisoner. He had just barely managed to catch her, as she ran from the governor's mansion, leaden with jewels and expensive trinkets. He sighed to himself as he was repeated assaulted with the loud and obnoxious Spanish cursing, wondering if she could say anything else. Finally, it seemed she realized he didn't understand a WORD of Spanish and switched to heavily accented English. She continued her spiteful rant as he led her forcefully to the prison. "You will regret this, Commodoro." She spat as he shoved her into a cell.<p>

James merely smirked. "I highly doubt that, Miss Teach." He said smugly as he locked the door to her cell and gave the keys to the watchdog, Snuffles. He had been named by the last prisoners. Apparently the name had caught on.

"Now, if you will excuse me, I have preparations to make." He walked out of the prison to his office, and sat down to finish the paperwork needed before he went off to chase sparrow. _'Really,'_ he thought to himself tiredly. _'This port used to be a RESPECTABLE place. Until Jack Sparrow showed up. Since then, pirates have been appearing left and right.'_

A few hours later, much to the Commodore's shock and displeasure, half the fort was in an uproar, trying to catch the Spanish pirate who was apparently loose within the compound. Just as James ran out, sword in hand, Angelica hopped on top of the fort wall, smirking. "This, Commodoro, is the day you shall always remember, as the day you ALMOST caught Angelica Teach!" she exclaimed before diving into the bay.

* * *

><p>*back to 'present' day*<p>

* * *

><p>"OI!" Jack exclaimed staring at Angelica indignantly. "That's MY line, love!"<p>

"Si, Jack. That's why I used it."

James watched the two, unamused. "So, to answer your most recent questions Sparrow…yes. I know her…and YES I will gladly let her kill you."

Which brings us back to Jack decision. He then, at that very moment, once again finding himself, outnumbered and backed against the mast, decided the only way out, was up! He quickly scurried up the mast, feeling a slight sense of déjà vu, and was immensely glad that his assailant was NOT carrying a spoon this time.

"Would you care to borrow my pistol, Miss Teach?" James asked, watching as Jack wobbled out to the farthest point possible without stepping off into the ocean.

"No. Gracias, commodore, but I shall much prefer to kill him with this…." She held up the thick piece of rope with a murderous glint in her eye, before stalking off to the other side of the mast, hoping Jack would present a better target for her rope.

"Right, then…" James mumbled, staring at her with slight confusion, and quite a bit of concern. "Sparrow, may I ask _where_ you intend to go from there?" He shouted up to Jack, who was watching Angelica with undue worry, seeing as she was only armed with a rope.

"Well, I was rather hopin' due to divine interference in this rather unfriendly business of tryin' to kill 'ol Jack, that I would be able to fly to safety, as it were."

James was NOT expecting that. At all. "You plan to FLY to safety, forgetting for a moment, the fact that you are a human and cannot fly even if you wanted to, when we're sailing over a weeks' distance from any sort of land?"

"Yes!"

"You going to attempt to overcome the laws of physics…in the hope that GOD will save you from your well-deserved death?" James asked, now thoroughly amused. He decided this was almost WORTH getting out of bed this morning.

Jack looked down at Norrington with an overly dramatic sigh. "What other option do I have, mate?" And, to everyone's astonishment, he jumped.

James leaned against the railing of the Black Pearl as a panicked Angelica hauled the now, very disgruntled and VERY wet, Captain back aboard his vessel, with her rope. "Jack Sparrow, you bloody idiot!" She screamed at him as soon as his feet touched the deck. Jack leaned back so far he nearly fell over. "Jamsie…a little help here?" he implored the former commodore who was standing behind him.

"No."

"I ORDER you to help."

"No."

Jack pouted before trying once more. "Norrington, I as the Captain of this seafaring vessel, of grand proportions, hereby order you to assist me in ridding meself of this murderous wench. Savvy?"

James contemplated the irritating man for a moment, before turning to Angelica. "Miss, may I borrow your rope?" he asked as politely as he could.

Angelica fixed him with a suspicious look before handing it over. James immediately shoved Jack back against the mast and quickly tied him up, with slight assistance from the Spaniard. "There."

"HOW IS THIS HELPING?" Jack shouted in alarm.

"You can no longer throw yourself off the mainmast. I see that as a good thing for you." James replied with sarcasm dripping from every word, before turning and going below. "Enjoy your day, Sparrow."

* * *

><p>Later that evening when Jack had finally extricated himself from the tightly fastened rope, he ran for his room, desperate to avoid any further contact with Angelica. As he entered his cabin, he noticed another addition to the list.<p>

**10. Attempting to defy the laws of Physics.**

Jack glared at the list, recognizing Norrington's tidy handwriting, and picked up the quill, determined to make his own addition. Slowly, he went back through the events of the day trying to think of something to add. It was merely by chance that he looked around, to see Angelica sneaking back to her cabin, the same rope from earlier clutched in her hands. Quickly, he dipped the pen into the inkwell and wrote:

**11. Having an obsession with rope. **

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><p>Ello! We once again apologize for the long wait! A certain author got a tablet for Christmas and those things are very... distrating.<p>

Thank you for the wonderful reviews! They always make our hearts smile!

If anyone understands where the dog with the keys gets his name is very fantastic and will get something spectacular! (not really... so don't get your hopes up... but still... please tell us! We will put your names in the author's note for the next chapter!)

Anyways, this chapter is for our friend, fanficmaster29 who wanted to have Angelica involved. We have no idea is Commodoro is Spanish or even a real word, but we were too lazy to look it up. If anyone knows, please correct us.

Thank you, all you readers, who still read this even though updates are spastic!


	9. A Study In Cravats

James sat bolt upright as the door to his cabin burst open to reveal LieutenantGroves and Lietuenant Gillette, carrying several rolls of bread.

"Morning, James!" Groves called jovially to his friend who lay entangled in his sheets on the floor.

"mphhh" Gillette added, his words of greeting unintelligible due to the large amount of food in his mouth.

James threw the sheets off of him irritably as he climbed to his feet, using his cot for support. "Why is it I can never seem to get ANY sleep around here?"

"And, from what you've told us, you seem to spend an awful lot of time falling out of bed." Groves supplied with a grin, oblivious to his friend's ire. "Now, Andrew, as I was saying- DRAT! You're not dressed James! That ruins EVERYTHING!"

"Terribly sorry to inconvenience you…seeing as you've _never_ done that to me." James said dryly.

Gillette, finally able to swallow his bread spoke up. "It doesn't matter anyway, Theo, you _know_ I'm right. We all do it the same, it's obviously the Waterfall."

"NO! I'm telling you Andrew, he's either doing it WRONG or it a completely different type! It looks more like the Oriental to me." Theo replied agitatedly staring at James in a calculating manner.

"Gentlemen, what-?" James attempted to interrupt their tirade.

"Theodore, you're so THICK! He doesn't use the Oriental one! It's naval protocol to use the Waterfall one!" Gillette argued back, completely ignoring his former commanding officer.

"NOW who's being unnecessarily insulting, Andrew!" Groves shouted, looking hurt.

James watched them with an increasingly dark expression as he tried various methods to get their attention. Tapping them on the shoulders, loudly and pointedly saying their names, stealing Andrew's food…when nothing worked he growled in frustration and then recalled an old trick he used to call the dog back in England. He put his finger to his lips and whistled. LOUD.

Instantly, the two lieutenants turned to him in alarm, Theodore, clapping his hands over his ears yelling "Bloody Hell!"

"Well, SOMEONE woke up on the wrong side of bed today…" Andrew muttered.

James glared at his two friends. "Thanks to _someone's_ exceedingly rude, and apparently pointless interruption of my sleep, I did NOT wake up in a bed at all, Andrew. I. WOKE. UP. ON. THE. FLOOR. Now, I suggest you tell me _why_ you've barged into my room at…" James paused a moment to check his pocket watch, "-ONE in the morning, before I ask Sparrow to return you to the island we found you on!"

"Well, Gillette got hungry…" Theodore began.

"So we went down to the galley…"

"Where we got Gillette some food…"

"Then the cook got mad because we woke him up…"

"So we left…"

"But I managed to steal some bread on the way out." Gillette added.

"Then we went up on deck because Gillette was eating INCREDIBLY slow…"

"Where Theodore said something about his cravat…"

"Then I figured we should COMPARE cravats, because I was bored…"

"Which dragged YOUR cravat into the conversation…"

"Well, after that the conversation sort of turned into an argument…"

"We couldn't remember how you tied yours…"

"I think you tie it Oriental style, but Andrew…"

"But_ I_ know you tie it Waterfall style, since that is naval protocol…" Andrew cut his friend off again.

"But I'm sure Andrew's wrong…so we decided to come here and see for ourselves…"

"Then we got here and you weren't _wearing_ your cravat…"

"Which means, you'll have to get dressed now, James!" Groves finished, as Andrew took another bite of his bread.

James stared at them, not sure quite how to reply to something like that.

"C'mon Jums…'ou goft ta get dreffed now." Gillette persisted, his words muffled by the bread.

"So, the two of you, argue for 20 minutes…_completely_ ignoring me, but the way, and it was all about how I tie my CRAVAT?" James exclaimed incredulously. Of all the insane things he'd seen on this ship, this either topped the list, or came VERY close to doing so, and they weren't even part of the crew!

"We knew you'd understand, James!" Groves beamed, holding out James' cravat to him.

Gillette nodded enthusiastically...

James took all of five second to think before stalking over to the door. "Out."

Gillette and Groves began protesting. "But our well-being depends on how you answer this question!"

James stared at them. "Then you'll just have to deal with being rather less well than before, because I. DON'T. CARE. Now, OUT!"

Gillette sniffed dramatically, and Groves stared at his former commanding officer with a look of extreme shock and exaggerated sorrow. "You are a truly wonderful friend, James." He said dejectedly as they were unceremoniously shoved into the hallway.

"Well, we both know I was right anyway, Theo." Gillette said after a moment, as they retreated to their own cabin.

"You wish, Andrew."

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><p>James climbed back under the sheets that had trapped him earlier, determined to get some rest before he was woken again to begin work. He rolled over several times, trying to find his comfortable spot. Unfortunately, no matter how comfortable he got, his mind refused to stop replaying the incident from earlier. For hours he laid in his bed staring at the wooden boards that the ceiling was constructed of. Finally, he threw off his comfortable sheets and rolled out of bed. He tiredly walked up to the Captain's Cabin and picked up the quill pen lying on the small wooden table and dipped it into the ink.<p>

**12. Conducting an argument about a third person and completely ignoring said third person even though they are present.**

**13. Holding a conversation about cravats during said argument.**

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><p>This was a lot of fun to write.<p>

I love Gillette ad Groves. :D

This was also the strangest reasearch we have ever done, but it was even weider that there actually are websites... and YouTube videos... about how to tie a cravat...

But we have done this. I was trying to scare Smilindolfin's family via the Internet so I started a discussion about cravats.

Yup. I know I'm very odd.

Thank for sticking with us even though our updates are very random! Tablets are very hard to put down... *looks guilty*

Please leave reviews! They make us want to write faster! *wink wink*


	10. Jack Sparrow Must Dye

It had been several days since the last…incident. James glanced suspiciously at the Captain who stood at the helm of his beloved ship. The former commodore couldn't remember a time when he could call Jack's behavior "normal". He was determined to keep a careful eye on the ridiculous pirate, assuming this short respite only meant a great deal more insanity was to come.

Suddenly, James was broken from his vigil by the sound of footsteps. "Ello Commodore!"

Gillette called as he walked up to his friend carrying his ever present morsel of food. Today happened to be a roll of bread. One of Gillette's favorites.

"No, NOT anymore, haven't you been paying attention, Andrew? I am no longer a COMMODORE." James snapped, hating the reminder of his current status as a pirate.

Gillette, determined to cheer up his friend, just smiled and offered him some bread. "Don't be such a grouch. At least you're not sick like Theodore."

James grunted and politely refused the bread, knowing Gillette would be MUCH happier if he could have it all to himself.

"Oi Jamie, did ya ever consider how much better you'd look as a ginger?" Came the all too familiar voice from directly behind James.

James and Gillette both turned to stare at him, the latter of the two actually forgetting to put his food in his mouth, leaving his hand suspended awkwardly in the air.

"I mean, take your friend here…whatever his name is…if you had reddish hair like 'im you'd be a 'ole new person, aye?" Jack continued, oblivious to their shock, and in Norrington's case, swiftly growing ire and possibly murderous intentions.

"Sparrow-"

"CAPTAIN Sparrow, mate. Honestly, I thought you were intelligent enough to be rememberin' the title, or rather the rank, if you're goin' to be all picky an' proper, like I know you, as a former commodorely person are wont to be, of the person whom you have spent so much glorious time, whether that time having been spent attempting the murder of my person is beside the point." Jack interrupted leaning into Norrington's personal space, wiggling his bejeweled fingers.

Gillette turned to the pirate and sneered. "Oh, and what exactly is your point, PIRATE?"

Jack turned to him with a dramatic pout. "My point, Master Gillette, is that your formerly commodorial friend who would make a most excellent redhead, much better than yourself at any rate, cannot seem to remember a simple word! One which, I am quite certain is used in a repetitively frequent manner aboard your strict sort of sailing ships."

James pinched the bridge of his nose, blocking out the pirate's ramblings as he attempted to alleviate the on-coming headache. He was finding they were becoming more and more frequent, especially with his sever sleep deprivation problems. At least when he lost sleep in the Navy, he didn't have to wake up and worry about his captain causing some sort of mayhem every morning, afternoon, AND evening.

"- and so you see, it's only fitting to at least give it a try!" Sparrow exclaimed excitedly, effectively pulling James from his musings.

Gillette chewed thoughtfully on his bread, which had now been noticeably reduced in size. "You know James, he might have a point…" he said, squinting at James' hair as he took another sizeable bite of bread.

James fixed Gillette with an incredulous stare. "Not you too...!"

"Well James, it might be an interesting experie-"

"ANDREW!" James exploded angrily, as Sparrow started circling him poking and prodding difference bits of his hair as he went.

"It's a bit dirty mate…when's the last time you bathed?!" Jack muttered as James gave him a hearty shove, hoping in the back of his mind that the pirate would fall overboard.

"You're one to talk, Sparrow-"

"Captain!"

"YOU NEVER BATHE! Besides! Neither you, or anyone else on this ship is going to dye my hair!" James shouted drowning out Jack's protest.

Andrew swallowed the rest of his snack before speaking "But James! It would be so simple!"

"No."

"If yo-"

"No."

"C'mon Jame-"

"NO."

"But-"

"GILLETTE!"

It was at this point that Jack decided to leave the formal naval officers their heated 'discussion'.

Due to a series of circumstances that had nothing whatsoever to do with Jack snooping around in Norrington's room when it was vacant, he had discovered that the former commodore had saved his powdered wig, cleaned it up, and stowed it in a chest under his bed. Now, the captain, whose intentions were strictly honorable, snuck into the former commodore's cabin and retrieved the powdered wig.

As he made his way back up to the deck, he hid the wig in his coat. Jack, then, with his usual drunken extravagance, ambled over to the naval officers, who were exactly as he left them.

Jack ambled up behind the former commodore, careful to intrude on his personal space as much as possible, before holding up the wig out of Norrington's range of vision. "OI! Gillette! If the commodore does not want his hair dyed, then I suggest we respect 'is wishes, savvy?" he exclaimed, all the while holding up the wig and pointing to it excitedly.

Gillette after staring blankly at the pirate for a moment, started to catch on.

"Now, come with me, former lieutenant. It would seem the former commodore need's some space, as it were," Jack said pointedly, nearly resting his chin on Norrington's shoulder, as he returned the wig to its previous position inside his coat.

"Sparrow. If you want to keep your head, I would suggest you remove it from my person IMMEDIATELY." James growled, turning to sneer at the smelly man.

"Thought you lot were more into the hangin' rather than the decapitatin' sort of execution?" Jack enquired as he jerked his head and every other part of his body out of the commodore's reach.

"You'll find, Sparrow, that in some ways, ways that do NOT involve my hair, I can be amazingly flexible." James snipped back.

Jack placed his palms together as he backed towards his cabin, accompanied by Gillette, who was, in fact, walking forwards like a normal person. "In that case, I shall happily leave you to your murderous thoughts… Ta!"

Once safely inside his cabin, Jack turned to the lieutenant. "So then, I'm havin' some red dye around here somewhere…but I'll be needin' a basin of water, if you'd be so kind." Jack made an impatient shooing motion with his hands.

"I'm not your manservant, Sparrow." Gillette snipped. "I'm merely here out of curiosity."

"If you're wantin' to solve that curious problem of your curiosity, then I suggest you move along and fetch me some water!" Jack retorted, handing Andrew the washbowl and giving him a shove.

"Bloody navy. Think their better than everyone." Jack muttered to himself as he dug through his piles of loot to find the Indian dye he filched off a tradesman a few weeks back.

A few minutes later, Gillette returned with the water and set it on the desk. "I think he's getting suspicious…" he said worriedly glancing at the closed door, where on the other side, James was pondering the strange new camaraderie between his former lieutenant, and pirate hating friend, and his arch nemesis, Jack Sparrow.

"Don't be worryin', mate! He can't do much damage 'round here..." Jack smiled before emptying the whole bottle of dye into the water.

"Providing he doesn't take it upon himself to build a gallows on your quarterdeck." Gillette replied as he watched the pirate as he pulled out the wig and proceeded to dip it into the dye.

"Or a guillotine, apparently. Tell me lieutenant, innit a bit strange that your formerly commodorial friend, of a firmly British persuasion, would be a purveyor of the French form of execution?" Jack enquired as he wrung the liquid out of the wig before dipping it in again.

"Well, I'm assuming when he said, 'I care not if you die by the Guillotine or Gallows,' it was pretty obvious he just wants you dead, the method notwithstanding." Gillette replied, not caring in the slightest that Jack life may be in the balance.

"But…the Gallows, a British standard for murdering, or otherwise executing men, consists of cleanly snapping a man's neck via a long bit of rope tied around that very same appendage. Whereas the Guillotine is the French way of brutally murdering people better than you by chopping off their head completely with a giant knife. Wouldn't it be more like 'ol Norry to hang me?" Jack replied, trying to puzzle out the commodore, entirely unaware of the morbidity of the conversation.

"Sparrow! It doesn't matter how he does it, if you keep irritating him, you're going to die and that's that! " Gillette exclaimed exasperatedly as he snatched the wig out of the water where it lay forgotten and continued with the dying process.

"But it DOES matter! I care whether or not my head remains attached to the rest of me if I die!" Jack all but whined at the lieutenant.

Andrew turned to the pirate. "This is NOT a normal conversation and I refuse to continue it any further," he snapped as he removed the now thoroughly red wig from the dye and inspected it. "It's TOO red…find some brown dye to make it more realistic."

Jack blew out a breath irritable and started muttering about the uselessness of naval officers and he procured an orangey brown color and dumped it in the water. "'Ave fun, mate." He snipped before flopping down on his bed to wait.

Andrew quickly finished the wig and held it up. "Look! It matches me exactly!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"Good! Now I'll just …place it on our dear former commodore's head and we take a look! You go distract him."

Gillette handed the pirate the wig. "Shouldn't we wait for it to dry?"

"What's the fun in that?"

Several hours later, after stealthily sneaking after the former commodore everywhere he went, Jack finally managed to place the wig upon James' head while he was taking a quick nap.

"There!" he back up to admire his work before frowning, and leaning down to adjust the slightly lopsided headpiece.

"Sparrow. I will give you to the count of ONE to get away from my face…" James murmured with his sharp green eyes still firmly closed. "If, by that count, you are not significantly farther away from my person, I will have you Drawn and Quartered, and give what's left of you to Davy Jones. IS. THAT. CLEAR?"

Jack jerked his hands away as he quickly stumbled away from the man. "Now see! There you've gone and changed your mind again! Can't you pick one way to murder a chap and just stick to it?!" Jack whined at the former naval man not even noticing that James was threatening to have him murdered on his own ship.

"Oh GOD, not this again!" Gillette piped up from the corner where he was also resting, having given up on getting James into the wig QUITE some time ago. "Do you realize that I had to listen to, and participate in, an ENTIRE conversation about executions and the results thereof?"

"It's your own fault for choosing to spend your time alone with Sparrow, Andrew." James quipped as he carefully stood from the hammock he had been napping in. True, Sparrow had given him a bed, but sometimes he liked the rocking motion of the hammocks, as long as he didn't find himself waking up on the floor…which happened more often than not. "Now, would either of you like to explain your sudden need to equip me with my powdered wig?" he watched warily as Andrew and Sparrow shared a look.

"Well you see, James…" began Andrew. "since you obviously weren't going to let us dye YOUR hair…Sparrow thought it'd be better if we died something we could put OVER your hair…" he explained with a progressively guilty expression.

James turned on Andrew with a thunderous expression. "Andrew, you didn't. Not my wig…you couldn't have!"

"Ah, but we could, mate!" Jack replied cheerily.

James gingerly reached up and pulled the wig off his head staring down at what used to be a pristine white symbol of his status. "Sparrow! You ruined my powdered wig JUST TO SEE IF I'D MAKE A GOOD GINGER!?" he roared at the pirate pulling out a pistol he had acquired from Angelica.

"If it makes you feel better, Jamie, I think I prefer you as your usual brunette self!"

"HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!?"

"It means you're not as bad looking as ya thought you were!"

"SPARROW!"

"CAPTAIN!"

Suddenly a shot rang out, as James fired the pistol. "The next one won't miss." He warned dangerously, before loading the gun again and taking aim. Once again a shot rang out, but Jack Sparrow had already disappeared.

James bit out a vile curse before flopping back in his hammock. "Gillette, I expect you to purchase me a new wig at our next port of call."

"Sure, James…anything you want.." Gillette replied calmly as he too made for the exit.

Once alone James pressed his hands to his face, attempting to rub the stress away. "All my problems would be solved if only Sparrow would just DIE like a normal human being!" he muttered to himself.

As Andrew walked back to his cabin, he remembered something. There was a piece of parchment pinned to the captain's door. A piece of parchment listing insane things. He turned on his heel and walked straight to Jack Cabin and picked up the quill.

**14. Wanting to make someone a ginger.**

And after a moment's consideration…

**15. Discussing the different ways to execute someone and the results of said execution. **

* * *

><p>What is this!? Another chapter!?<strong><br>**

Yes... we had sudden inspiration and finished this one that we start... erm... a long time ago...

Sorry about that.

As a reminder, these are true symptoms. Smilindolfin is responsible for the ginger bit... and we once discussed execution results to clarify the outcome for another friend. That was a fun conversation. :)

Hopefully we will be a tad faster on the next chapter!


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